seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I love having hate sex.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you will always have a special place in my vag
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
