Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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