im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
