So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Randomize
