you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?