we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?