watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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