I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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