Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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