Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
