remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
