i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
