Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
