My room smells like vodka and shame
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
