Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
