I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
