these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My balls are so social today.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
