I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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