Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
