fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
