we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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