I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
