i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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