So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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