It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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