even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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