The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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