I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
