someone get that fucking seahorse.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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