just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
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