maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
