I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
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i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
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I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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