His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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