And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
