the condom got lost in my hair
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cat food counts as protein by the way
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize