I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
