I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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