My pussy is not your playground.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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