I wish my penis had an off switch
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
