Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
