Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
