so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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