My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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