I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
