Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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