We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
