He told me they were just razor bumps!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
