Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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