Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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