This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Two words: nipple clamps
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