If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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