There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
