Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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