new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
