he puts the penis in happiness.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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