Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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