You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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