I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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