thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
