Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
